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Crimson Shadow
08-29-2007, 20:45
Since some people wanted a joke thread....here ya go.

Just KEEP IT CLEAN guys.

PLEASE TRY TO STAY ON TOPIC

*Will be unstickied if it isn't used that often*

pron
08-29-2007, 21:39
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth$350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well,
they are here, and you
could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains
the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager
replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man
replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says,
this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and
you could have."

Acetriad
08-30-2007, 00:33
I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into a military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners lawyer got antsy.

"I don`t like working with the goverment," The man said. "I`m not sure I`d even trust one of your checks."

"Don`t worry," I replied. "Not only do we print our own checks, we also make the money to back them up."



A man runs into the vet`s office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog`s body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog`s body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I`m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I`m
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."



Then i went for a car ride and heard this kid in church and figured i would tell you:
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ``Mommy, I have to pee.``

The mother said, ``Son don`t say pee in church. Next time you have to pee, say, `whisper` because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ``Daddy I have to whisper.``

The father said, ``OK. Here, whisper in my ear.``

A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Guam.

He is captured by the US Marines and locked up for interrogation.

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I don`t know"

He is beaten up, then he`s interrogated again...

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"

He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.

In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the
Tu-95 bombers plans well, `cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"



A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn`t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."




A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband`s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow`s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I`ve arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you`re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I`ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

Acetriad
08-30-2007, 00:44
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man`s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That`s a bit cynical, isn`t it?"

The wife replied, "You`re right. I guess I`m starting to believe all those `dumb blonde` jokes we`ve gotten in the e-mail."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You`re finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it`s not a Porch, it`s a Lexus".



A guy walks into the bar and heads on over to his friend and says "Boy do i have a great blond joke for you" At this precise moment the bartender, who is blond, comes over and says, "excuse me sir, I am a black belt in karate, that blond over there is a pro wrestler and that blond there is a knee breaker for the local bookie, do you really want to tell your blond joke now?"

Ah, no not really,I don't want to have to explain it three times




Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I`ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don`t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain`t` giving` him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I`ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we`ve agreed are mine. I`ll fight `him till I run him off or kill `him, but I`M KEEPING` ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I`ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it`s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I`ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I`m certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Heck! he can have ALL my cows. I`m just making sure he knows I`M a bull!"




Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. in the middle of the night Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars" "what does that tell you Watson?"

"Well... astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologicaly, i deduce that the time ais approximately a quarter past three, meteorologically, i suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke...

"Watson, someone has stolen our tent."



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president today. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone`s amazement the colour drained from the president`s face and he collapsed on the floor, head in his hands, visibly shaking and whimpering. finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"



Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.



An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas . Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to
his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what`s so different? It`s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it`ll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT`S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT`S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray...... Shoulda bought a hat."






It was election time, again...

So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."





A list of real excuses written by parents on their children`s sick notes

Please excuse Robbie from being.It was his father`s fault.

My son is under the doctor and should not take fizical ed.Please execute him.

Alison won`t be at school a week from Monday.We have to go to her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she spent the weekend with the Marines and was exhausted.

Please excuse Fred for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhoea and his boots leak.





Politicians` excuses and lies-what they really mean...

WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH THEIR PEOPLE...
We will bomb the suckers until the crazy guy with the moustache has no one left to rule

COLLATERAL DAMAGE WAS KEPT TO A MINIMUM.
The Chinese embassy was just too shiney to ignore.

WE MUST NOT INTERFERE IN THIS DELICATE MATTER.
This country doesn`t produce any oil.

IT IS NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
If anyone finds out,we`re toast.

SOMETIMES POLITICIANS HAVE TO MAKE TOUGH DECISIONS.
If you all put your money in this bag and lie face down on the floor,no one will get hurt.

WE TAKE THIS MATTER VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED.
Next time we`ll make darn sure no one finds out.

THERE HAS BEEN NO BREACH OF NATIONAL SECURITY.
What do you mean they stole all the passwords?




One day George Bush was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Bush was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I`ll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims George.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan`s." "I`ll buy them for you myself," says George.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don`t look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy replies, "I`m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your but from drowning!"

Acetriad
08-30-2007, 01:11
Sorry, but I couldn't resist a couple more...



A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It`s my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the heck kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It`s a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."



Youre my best friend. If you cry, I cry. If youre happy, Im happy. If you jump off a bridge, Im going to miss you



3 Englishmen walked into a pub and saw an Irishman sittin’ by himself mindin’ his own. One of the Englishmen walked over and said to the Irishman "St. Patrick was a dink." The Irishman looked up, said "Ok", and continued drinking, and the Englishman walked back to his buddies disappointed. The second limey said "I’ll get him riled up for sure", and walked over and said "St. Patrick was a retarded dink!". The Irishman looked up again and said "Ok", and continued drinking. The third Englishman wanted a go, and walked over to the Irishman, and said "St. Patrick was an Englishman!", and the Irishman looked up and said "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were tellin’ me".



This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We`re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That`s a bit irresponsible, isn`t it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don`t see why, they`ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don`t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don`t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you`re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you`re equipped to be a prostitute, but you`re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.



Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she`s pregnant! She is furious. Here the senator of New York running for President and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that`s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can`t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill`s very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"



Thank you to everyone who sent me these all important e-mails:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa`s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a
serial killer won`t crawl in my back seat when I`m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can`t boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face . disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaedain disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don`t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can`t use anyone`s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.. I can live a
better life now because he`s told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can`t ever pick up a $5.00 bill in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don`t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can`t buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don`t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits and other private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to be in mixed company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor`s ex-mother-in-law`s second husband`s cousin`s beautician...



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the pas senger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They`ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say,
"Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

Acetriad
08-30-2007, 01:11
Really, after this I'm done :D

Through long Philosophising I have come up with solutions to many everyday problems, as well as some general thoughts on people:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don`t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn`t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.




A hunter, who was a deeply religious man, never missed out on bear season. But as he got older, his senses weren`t as sharp as they were in his younger days. One day a bear got the drop on him, coming up from behind. He tried to raise his rifle but the bear was too quick, and swatted it out of his hands. He reached for his knife, but the massive weight of the bear bore him to the ground. Pinned, he thought to say a quick prayer. "Lord," he said, "please make this bear into a Christian bear."

The bear stopped his savage attack, with an almost puzzled, then angelic look upon his fearsome features. Kneeling down, the bear clasped his paws together and prayed, "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal that I am about to receive .."



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict`s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you`re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "`Cause you`re ugly."


What`s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
----
What`s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn`t think he`s a lawyer.
-------
What`s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
--------
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they`re really good people.
------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
---------------
How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I`m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That`s quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I`m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
------------------
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses` buts."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you`d better watch what you say. You`re in horse country."
-----------------------
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I`m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we`re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn`t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn`t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I`m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Thats all for now :cool:

Dogma
08-30-2007, 04:36
Darn Dude!

ok, my turn,

I typed the whoel thing and read it and decided not to insert it till I get approval for it.

Spetznaz_GRU
08-30-2007, 08:40
God, what happened to those short jokes?

Spetznaz_GRU
08-30-2007, 09:49
this is sparta (http://youtube.com/watch?v=wcAq9mOUx8s)
I just love this one. It don't even sound that bad.

Warl0rd
08-30-2007, 10:06
I thought this topic was for "text based" jokes only...

Spetznaz_GRU
08-30-2007, 10:20
What's the diff? Jokes a re jokes.

ranger2112
08-30-2007, 11:18
being a joke u would know:)

Spetznaz_GRU
08-30-2007, 11:23
I posted this 2 minutes before you posted the post above (http://forums.nation-wars.com/showpost.php?p=788&postcount=11)So you copied me. Making you my property. I own you now.

Spetznaz_GRU
08-30-2007, 11:33
We should post your picture in the joke section, since you're one big joke.


works for me


Agreed
http://forums.nation-wars.com/image.php?u=12&dateline=1188306860&type=profile

Spetznaz_GRU
08-31-2007, 09:52
warlord, post that video with the forum talk in a business meeting.

Warl0rd
08-31-2007, 09:54
sure, i think it deserved his own thread lol

Acetriad
09-01-2007, 02:41
Short jokes are good... My posts were long, yes, but there were many jokes within each post. Some of them are deffinatly worth a read and a laugh.

ranger2112
09-06-2007, 20:22
better than a post for each and everyone

Mr President
09-07-2007, 16:21
A cowboy rode into town on Thursday, stayed 4 days then rode
out on Friday.... how did he do this?

ranger2112
09-07-2007, 16:24
thursday was his horse's name. duh

ranger2112
09-07-2007, 16:27
everyone knows their roman numerials right?

ok if you have IX convert it to 6 only adding one letter.

Mr President
09-07-2007, 16:31
tuesday was his horse's name. duh


Huh? No i'm sorry that is wrong

ranger2112
09-07-2007, 16:31
thursday, is what i meant to type...

Mr President
09-07-2007, 16:34
i'm sorry.. you are still wrong

ranger2112
09-07-2007, 16:42
ok his horse's name is Friday

Mr President
09-07-2007, 17:54
lol well seeing you went through all the other days in the week, Friday
had to be right..

Acetriad
09-09-2007, 03:19
Do I have to go and copy a bunch of jokes from some random site again or is someone going to post something funny?

ooga booga
09-10-2007, 14:27
Do I have to go and copy a bunch of jokes from some random site again or is someone going to post something funny?

Post more! :P

About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because it was like, ****, I am less nurturing than a desert.
- Demetri Martin

A new computer virus is going around. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with real cards.
- Craig Kilborn

I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost ten pounds and my driver's license.
- Larry the Cable Guy

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.
- Conan O'Brien

Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I'd like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood.
"Robin?"
"Yes, Batman?"
"Didn't we park the car right here, man?"
- Dave Chappelle

MAGGIO
09-14-2007, 12:38
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm an d carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Missionary
09-14-2007, 15:30
Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I'd like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood.
"Robin?"
"Yes, Batman?"
"Didn't we park the car right here, man?"
- Dave Chappelle

that was brilliant, haha. cant give you rep so maybe a warning instead :P

Mr President
09-14-2007, 15:56
lol good one maggio

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 02:56
An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to satan."



Basically the American army are overstaffed, so one day they decide to give a few men early retirement. Now in the army they are up for a bit of fun so they tell the guys that they will measure from one part of the body to another and for every inch they will give $1000. so the first guy walks in and tells them that he wants to be measured from is heels to his head. So they measure him and he walks away with $96,000.

The next guy comes in and he is cleverer than the first guy and he stands on his tip toes and puts his hands in the air and is measured from the tips of his fingers to the tips of his toes. He walks away with $130,000.

The final guy comes in and he is a veteran of many wars, a real old dog you may say. He asks to be measured from the top of his waist to the bottom of his kneecaps. The staff sergeant asks him if he is crazy and explains about the enormous amounts that the other guys walked away with.

The veteran says yes he is sure. So they tell him to drop his trousers. They whip out a ruler and start measuring. 1 inch… 2… 3…f where the heck are your kneecaps soldier? “Vietnam!” (This originally had a different part of the anatomy in it....)

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:09
--Newly issued alcohol warnings--
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.


A man sits in a bar. This particular bar is on the third floor of a building in the downtown of a large city. This man is currently finishing off one of his many drinks. He sees another man looking out of a window. After taking another drink he sees the man still looking out the window, who then looks at his watch, and leaps out of the window. The man jumps to his feet in alarm when suddenly the other man comes crashing through the window on the other side of the room. "I must have had too many" he says to himself, staring at his empty glass. He sits back down and sees the other man staring out the window. The other man checks his watch, then jumps out of the window once more. "Now this can`t be happening!" thinks the man. The other man comes flying in the other window once again.

This time the man aproaches the other to find out how this is happening. "Excuse me," he says "how can you be jumping out of that third story window and flying in through the other?"

The other man replies "It`s simple. Every 15 minutes there is a huge updraft because of all the other highrises in the downtown area. Would you like to give it a try?"

"Sure!"

"Okay, I`ll time you." This other man studies his watch once more. "Okay ready? Go...now!"

Just as the other man says "now!" our hero leaps from the window and falls three stories to his death.

The other man chuckles and another patron approaches him.

"Superman, you`re a mean drunk."



Question by CNN reporter:
what do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?

Answer by Marine Sniper: recoil.



What annoys me, and probably many others...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can`t eat it?

4. When people say "it`s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you`ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn`t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is `new and improved!`. Which is it? If it`s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it`s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn`t be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that`s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, moron?




There was a town with these really cruel firemen who liked to trick people. So they get this call about 3 women trapped on the roof of a burning building: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. So the firemen get out a net and hold it up and yet to the redhead "jump jump." So the redhead jumps, but the firemen run back so the redhead falls to her death. Then they move back and yell to the brunette to jump. She says, "Are you crazy? You just got that women killed!" Straight-faced, one of the firemen says, "Ma`am, we just can`t stand redheads. They are so mean and bossy, and besides, Bob here`s cheating ex-wife was a redhead." The brunette thinks it over, and not being to happy with redheads stealing some of her dates thinks maybe they are telling the truth and jumps. Again the firemen run back and the brunette falls to her death. Laughing and slapping themselves on the back, they call to the blonde, "Jump jump." But nothing they say can convince her to jump until they tell her the fire is going to get her. "Ok," she says, "But I`m not going to have you guys run off like you did those other two. I`ll jump - just put the net down, and back away .. "



You might be an engineer if . . .

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it`s simply twice as big as it needs to be.



Questions On The Redneck Engineers License Exam...

Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man`s land?

A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?



One day a little boy went up to his mom and asked,
"Mom, is God a boy or a girl?"
The mom said,
"Honey, he is both"
The next day, the boy went up to his dad and asked,
"Dad, is God black or white?"
And the dad replied,
"Son, He is both."
At dinner, the boy asked his parents,
"Mom, Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:10
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn`t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. Tommy boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn`t see anything, the second day he didn`t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

A father passing by his son`s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I`m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I`ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.

I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it`s not only the passion, Dad, she`s pregnant.
Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the Woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of Having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn`t really
hurt anyone. We`ll be growing it for us and trading it with the other
people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we`ll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!!

Don`t worry Dad, I`m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I`m sure we`ll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I`m over at Tommy`s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that`s in my center desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home




A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman`s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That`s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad`s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

A week later, it happens again and the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let`s go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can`t, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That`s terrible to overcharge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I`m going
to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don`t start that crap again; you`re in my closet now."

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:15
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I`ll bring ya` martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I`m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it`s time to go home."



A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I`m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"WOW!" he exclaimed, "you even sound exactly like her."



A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don`t you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."



An Amish man, woman and their young son went to the big city for the first time. When they got to the hotel, the woman left to go to the rest room. While she was gone, the old man and boy saw an old woman go to a mirrored elevator, which opened and she got in, then it closed. A short time later the mirrored elevator opened again and an absolutely beautiful, gorgeous blonde woman came out..

The man looked at his son, whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, son, quick go get your mother.


The Lawyer and the Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde`s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn`t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it`s the blonde`s turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cell phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:21
Q: What`s the position to make ugly babies?


A: Ask your parents



Q) What`s the epitome of a mixed feeling?

A) Seeing your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new car.


HOW TO DODGE A SPEEDING TICKET

A man was speeding down a road one day and was stopped by a cop

"Sir can I see your liscence?"

"Yeah but it`s expired"

"Registration?"

"Not my car...stole it...but I think I saw the papers in the glove compartment when I put my gun in there"

"You have a gun sir?"

"Yeah, had to shoot the guy to get the car...he barely fit in the trunk"

"You have a body in the trunk?

The cop called for his captain and back up

The captain approached the car

"Sir can I see your liscence and registration"

"Here you go, It`s all there"

"Sir do you have a gun in your glove box?"

"No sir, feel free to look"

"Can you pop your trunk sir"

"Of course...nothing back there though"

"Sir my officer told me you had an expired liscence, you stole the car, had a gun and put a body in the trunk...is that true?"

"No sir! I bet the lier told you I was speeding too!"



A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine. ``House`` for instance, is feminine: ``la
casa.`` ``Pencil,`` however, is masculine: el lápiz.``

A student asked, ``What gender is `computer`?`` Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether ``computer`` should
be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.

The men`s group decided that ``computer`` should definitely be of the
feminine gender (``la computadora``), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women`s group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (`el computador``), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can`t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:26
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages



An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I`ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"

The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool!"




so a lady walks into a baskin robbins to get ice cream and ask for a gallon of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. The man replies that they are out of chocolate and offers other flavors in substitution. The lady says she will reconsider. She then ask for a quart of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. The man replies "Ma`am, we dont have any chocolate." So she thinks for a moment. Then she says "Can I get a pint of vanilla, a pint of chocolate and a pint of strawberry?"

The man became frustrated.

"Ma`am can you spell to the N in vanilla?"

"Sure...V...A...N"

"Can you spell to the W in strawberry?"

"S...T...R...A...W"

"Okay, now spell to the F in chocolate"

"Um, there is no F in chocolate..."

"Ma`am, thats what I`ve been trying to tell you all along..."

Acetriad
09-15-2007, 03:29
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home`s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he`d ever had.

Long Beach, California: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked.

Sacramento, California: Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn`t start.

Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.



Ok, I'm out for a while.

Hoebawt
09-15-2007, 15:39
No Double Posting........... Hahaha

Acetriad
09-16-2007, 00:00
I would have happily made it all one post.... but there is a length limit :blink:

Crimson Shadow
09-16-2007, 21:14
Those were very good Ace. lol

ooga booga
09-17-2007, 14:57
ya those were funny Ace.

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

> The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
>
> "Mrs. Ward, please."
>
> "Speaking"
>
> "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
> your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
> another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your
> husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
>
> "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>
> "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
> one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
>
> "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
>
> "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
> time."
>
> "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
> "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
> in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

ranger2112
09-17-2007, 15:02
thats funny.

Mr President
09-20-2007, 15:39
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone,
anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touche d it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .



The second prince brought diamonds.



He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both live d happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?








M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

TheSecondComing
09-20-2007, 16:59
A man enters a bar with an ostrich under one arm, and a cat under the other.
he approaches the barman and asks for a pint and a packet of nuts. to this the cat says:
"oh so suddenly you can splash out on a packet of nuts as well!"
the man reluctantly changes his mind and just has the pint instead.
After he is finished his pint, he decides since he walked in he can have another but as he is asking for the second the cat shouts
"No theres no way you can afford that second pint"
The man sitting next to him says "wow that sounds rough, whats the explanation for that?"
so he explains "well, I've just moved in to a new house, whist searching the attic i found this old lamp, to my surprise when i rubbed it a genie appeared and just like in all the fairy tails, he told me he would grant me one wish..."
the man says "so how come you suddenly cant afford a packet of nuts or a second pint?"
"well thats the thing you see" he says "i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight p****"

cfoulcer12345
10-26-2007, 12:26
just read all jokes in here lol some are lol but some not lol :P

Mr President
12-12-2007, 22:10
Should I Sell the Boat?


Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to
hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible.


" My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"
I still don't know if she was joking.

Crimson Shadow
12-12-2007, 22:11
lol

pcgluva
12-12-2007, 22:14
lmao wow thats f'ed up

Satan666
12-14-2007, 02:53
thats good, i laughed.

::edit::

This is a Joke from Mitch Hedburg

I love escalators because they cannot break, they only can become Stairs. You will never see a escalator out of service sign, only a Escalator temporally Stairs, Sorry for the convenience.

and another

I like cinnamon rolls, but i don't always have the time to make a pan. So instead i like to light a stick and have my friends wake up with false hopes.

Crimson Shadow
01-29-2008, 22:07
I'm unsticking this thread since it is never used anymore.

If this thread's activity increases then I'll restick it.

Mr President
02-07-2008, 22:28
RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Box under Bill and Hillary's bed!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, 'I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.'
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the Best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, 'I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?'
Bill thought for a while and said, 'I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.'
Hillary was shocked, but said, 'Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I was very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess those 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.'
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later
Hillary asked Bill, 'So why do you have all that money in the box?'
Bill answered: 'Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.'

Crimson Shadow
02-07-2008, 23:11
that was good lol

Mr President
02-26-2008, 16:34
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Af ter being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Crimson Shadow
02-27-2008, 08:17
lol that was good

ooga booga
02-27-2008, 11:32
Booooo that sucked schitt. :P

Hoebawt
02-27-2008, 13:08
WACK

Missionary
02-27-2008, 14:54
talk about alot of inbreeding there lmao.

Hoebawt
02-27-2008, 15:12
your gay

Bram Gotink
02-27-2008, 15:44
:D
Mr.P shows us another side of himself :D
I'd give loads of cash to hear Bush say this :P

kitoy
03-13-2008, 01:12
DEAR ABBY,

I've suspected for some time now that my Wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive.

Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind
my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to
be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Mr President
03-22-2008, 00:29
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one
point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers.


Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers,"
Pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my
Daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

The First Lady
05-05-2008, 21:22
You've Gotta Love Drunks

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk

Divine Intervention
05-06-2008, 20:50
DEAR ABBY,

I've suspected for some time now that my Wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive.

Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind
my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to
be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

i take it she was trying to kill him right?
its not really funny tbh. Who's Abby?

Crimson Shadow
05-06-2008, 20:59
Dear Abby is an advice columnist for USA newspapers.

Xavior
05-06-2008, 21:14
i take it she was trying to kill him right?
its not really funny tbh. Who's Abby?

Why would she try to kill him?

Norrisville
05-06-2008, 21:39
okay, this thread will be chuck norris joke central.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Divine Intervention
05-07-2008, 05:50
Why would she try to kill him?

then i totally didn't get that post. what was it about :huh:

Minimus
05-07-2008, 14:42
Hoebawt.

It's on topic.

Minimus
05-13-2008, 16:16
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

The First Lady
05-29-2008, 21:47
A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks his wife.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
''It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the freakin' price!!!

Norrisville
05-29-2008, 22:18
Chuck Norris once ate an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Crimson Shadow
05-29-2008, 22:18
A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks his wife.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
''It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the freakin' price!!!

Was this a true story about Mr P lol

captain_hook
05-30-2008, 11:11
what's the opposite of christopher reeves?

















christopher walkens

The First Lady
06-02-2008, 21:20
Was this a true story about Mr P lol

i dont think i can comment....

k959
06-02-2008, 23:30
i bet it was... i know thats what i would do if i was ever married and if i was ever went shopping at walmart

PhoenixFury
06-07-2008, 12:38
A music joke I heard not so long ago.
What do you call the person who follows the band around


the bass player...
this is more of a payout joke though

nosejam
04-17-2009, 15:18
What's the difference between a moped and Jade Goody?

A moped can reach 30

Will
04-17-2009, 17:56
What's the difference between a moped and Jade Goody?

A moped can reach 30

:D

evil.