from the desk of the man in the red suit
FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the
states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of
the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe
Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads,
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an
RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.
3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and
Petty
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear
Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
.. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other. And Finally,
8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife
and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
-lmao
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