Originally Posted by
bigstink
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans.
I said, "**** that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
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Wife says to husband, "If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car."
He replies, "we could get rid of the nanny!"
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, after only five beers!"
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Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my ****.
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Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my defense,when you hear counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going -