Jokes

[Crimson Shadow]

Since some people wanted a joke thread....here ya go.

Just KEEP IT CLEAN guys.

PLEASE TRY TO STAY ON TOPIC

*Will be unstickied if it isn't used that often*

[pron]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth$350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well,
they are here, and you
could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains
the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager
replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man
replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says,
this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and
you could have."

[Acetriad]

I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into a military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners lawyer got antsy.

"I don`t like working with the goverment," The man said. "I`m not sure I`d even trust one of your checks."

"Don`t worry," I replied. "Not only do we print our own checks, we also make the money to back them up."



A man runs into the vet`s office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog`s body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog`s body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I`m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I`m
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."



Then i went for a car ride and heard this kid in church and figured i would tell you:
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ``Mommy, I have to pee.``

The mother said, ``Son don`t say pee in church. Next time you have to pee, say, `whisper` because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ``Daddy I have to whisper.``

The father said, ``OK. Here, whisper in my ear.``

A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Guam.

He is captured by the US Marines and locked up for interrogation.

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I don`t know"

He is beaten up, then he`s interrogated again...

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"

He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.

In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the
Tu-95 bombers plans well, `cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"



A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn`t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."




A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband`s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow`s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I`ve arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you`re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I`ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

[Acetriad]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man`s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That`s a bit cynical, isn`t it?"

The wife replied, "You`re right. I guess I`m starting to believe all those `dumb blonde` jokes we`ve gotten in the e-mail."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You`re finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it`s not a Porch, it`s a Lexus".



A guy walks into the bar and heads on over to his friend and says "Boy do i have a great blond joke for you" At this precise moment the bartender, who is blond, comes over and says, "excuse me sir, I am a black belt in karate, that blond over there is a pro wrestler and that blond there is a knee breaker for the local bookie, do you really want to tell your blond joke now?"

Ah, no not really,I don't want to have to explain it three times




Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I`ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don`t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain`t` giving` him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I`ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we`ve agreed are mine. I`ll fight `him till I run him off or kill `him, but I`M KEEPING` ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I`ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it`s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I`ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I`m certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Heck! he can have ALL my cows. I`m just making sure he knows I`M a bull!"




Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. in the middle of the night Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars" "what does that tell you Watson?"

"Well... astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologicaly, i deduce that the time ais approximately a quarter past three, meteorologically, i suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke...

"Watson, someone has stolen our tent."



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president today. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone`s amazement the colour drained from the president`s face and he collapsed on the floor, head in his hands, visibly shaking and whimpering. finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"



Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.



An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas . Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to
his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what`s so different? It`s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it`ll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT`S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT`S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray...... Shoulda bought a hat."






It was election time, again...

So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."





A list of real excuses written by parents on their children`s sick notes

Please excuse Robbie from being.It was his father`s fault.

My son is under the doctor and should not take fizical ed.Please execute him.

Alison won`t be at school a week from Monday.We have to go to her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she spent the weekend with the Marines and was exhausted.

Please excuse Fred for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhoea and his boots leak.





Politicians` excuses and lies-what they really mean...

WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH THEIR PEOPLE...
We will bomb the suckers until the crazy guy with the moustache has no one left to rule

COLLATERAL DAMAGE WAS KEPT TO A MINIMUM.
The Chinese embassy was just too shiney to ignore.

WE MUST NOT INTERFERE IN THIS DELICATE MATTER.
This country doesn`t produce any oil.

IT IS NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.
If anyone finds out,we`re toast.

SOMETIMES POLITICIANS HAVE TO MAKE TOUGH DECISIONS.
If you all put your money in this bag and lie face down on the floor,no one will get hurt.

WE TAKE THIS MATTER VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED.
Next time we`ll make darn sure no one finds out.

THERE HAS BEEN NO BREACH OF NATIONAL SECURITY.
What do you mean they stole all the passwords?




One day George Bush was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Bush was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I`ll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims George.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan`s." "I`ll buy them for you myself," says George.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don`t look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy replies, "I`m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your but from drowning!"

[Acetriad]

Sorry, but I couldn't resist a couple more...



A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It`s my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the heck kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It`s a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."



Youre my best friend. If you cry, I cry. If youre happy, Im happy. If you jump off a bridge, Im going to miss you



3 Englishmen walked into a pub and saw an Irishman sittin’ by himself mindin’ his own. One of the Englishmen walked over and said to the Irishman "St. Patrick was a dink." The Irishman looked up, said "Ok", and continued drinking, and the Englishman walked back to his buddies disappointed. The second limey said "I’ll get him riled up for sure", and walked over and said "St. Patrick was a retarded dink!". The Irishman looked up again and said "Ok", and continued drinking. The third Englishman wanted a go, and walked over to the Irishman, and said "St. Patrick was an Englishman!", and the Irishman looked up and said "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were tellin’ me".



This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We`re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That`s a bit irresponsible, isn`t it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don`t see why, they`ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don`t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don`t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you`re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you`re equipped to be a prostitute, but you`re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.



Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she`s pregnant! She is furious. Here the senator of New York running for President and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that`s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can`t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill`s very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"



Thank you to everyone who sent me these all important e-mails:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa`s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a
serial killer won`t crawl in my back seat when I`m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can`t boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face . disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaedain disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don`t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can`t use anyone`s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.. I can live a
better life now because he`s told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can`t ever pick up a $5.00 bill in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don`t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can`t buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don`t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits and other private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to be in mixed company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor`s ex-mother-in-law`s second husband`s cousin`s beautician...



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the pas senger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They`ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say,
"Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

[Acetriad]

Really, after this I'm done

Through long Philosophising I have come up with solutions to many everyday problems, as well as some general thoughts on people:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don`t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn`t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.




A hunter, who was a deeply religious man, never missed out on bear season. But as he got older, his senses weren`t as sharp as they were in his younger days. One day a bear got the drop on him, coming up from behind. He tried to raise his rifle but the bear was too quick, and swatted it out of his hands. He reached for his knife, but the massive weight of the bear bore him to the ground. Pinned, he thought to say a quick prayer. "Lord," he said, "please make this bear into a Christian bear."

The bear stopped his savage attack, with an almost puzzled, then angelic look upon his fearsome features. Kneeling down, the bear clasped his paws together and prayed, "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal that I am about to receive .."



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict`s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you`re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "`Cause you`re ugly."


What`s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
----
What`s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn`t think he`s a lawyer.
-------
What`s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
--------
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they`re really good people.
------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
---------------
How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I`m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That`s quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I`m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
------------------
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses` buts."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you`d better watch what you say. You`re in horse country."
-----------------------
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I`m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we`re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn`t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn`t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I`m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Thats all for now

[Dogma]

Darn Dude!

ok, my turn,

I typed the whoel thing and read it and decided not to insert it till I get approval for it.

[Spetznaz_GRU]

God, what happened to those short jokes?

[Spetznaz_GRU]

this is sparta
I just love this one. It don't even sound that bad.

[Warl0rd]

I thought this topic was for "text based" jokes only...