good one maggio
President
"You counted on America to be passive... You counted Wrong!"
An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to satan."
Basically the American army are overstaffed, so one day they decide to give a few men early retirement. Now in the army they are up for a bit of fun so they tell the guys that they will measure from one part of the body to another and for every inch they will give $1000. so the first guy walks in and tells them that he wants to be measured from is heels to his head. So they measure him and he walks away with $96,000.
The next guy comes in and he is cleverer than the first guy and he stands on his tip toes and puts his hands in the air and is measured from the tips of his fingers to the tips of his toes. He walks away with $130,000.
The final guy comes in and he is a veteran of many wars, a real old dog you may say. He asks to be measured from the top of his waist to the bottom of his kneecaps. The staff sergeant asks him if he is crazy and explains about the enormous amounts that the other guys walked away with.
The veteran says yes he is sure. So they tell him to drop his trousers. They whip out a ruler and start measuring. 1 inch… 2… 3…f where the heck are your kneecaps soldier? “Vietnam!” (This originally had a different part of the anatomy in it....)
--Newly issued alcohol warnings--
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
A man sits in a bar. This particular bar is on the third floor of a building in the downtown of a large city. This man is currently finishing off one of his many drinks. He sees another man looking out of a window. After taking another drink he sees the man still looking out the window, who then looks at his watch, and leaps out of the window. The man jumps to his feet in alarm when suddenly the other man comes crashing through the window on the other side of the room. "I must have had too many" he says to himself, staring at his empty glass. He sits back down and sees the other man staring out the window. The other man checks his watch, then jumps out of the window once more. "Now this can`t be happening!" thinks the man. The other man comes flying in the other window once again.
This time the man aproaches the other to find out how this is happening. "Excuse me," he says "how can you be jumping out of that third story window and flying in through the other?"
The other man replies "It`s simple. Every 15 minutes there is a huge updraft because of all the other highrises in the downtown area. Would you like to give it a try?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, I`ll time you." This other man studies his watch once more. "Okay ready? Go...now!"
Just as the other man says "now!" our hero leaps from the window and falls three stories to his death.
The other man chuckles and another patron approaches him.
"Superman, you`re a mean drunk."
Question by CNN reporter:
what do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
Answer by Marine Sniper: recoil.
What annoys me, and probably many others...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can`t eat it?
4. When people say "it`s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you`ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn`t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is `new and improved!`. Which is it? If it`s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it`s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn`t be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that`s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, moron?
There was a town with these really cruel firemen who liked to trick people. So they get this call about 3 women trapped on the roof of a burning building: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. So the firemen get out a net and hold it up and yet to the redhead "jump jump." So the redhead jumps, but the firemen run back so the redhead falls to her death. Then they move back and yell to the brunette to jump. She says, "Are you crazy? You just got that women killed!" Straight-faced, one of the firemen says, "Ma`am, we just can`t stand redheads. They are so mean and bossy, and besides, Bob here`s cheating ex-wife was a redhead." The brunette thinks it over, and not being to happy with redheads stealing some of her dates thinks maybe they are telling the truth and jumps. Again the firemen run back and the brunette falls to her death. Laughing and slapping themselves on the back, they call to the blonde, "Jump jump." But nothing they say can convince her to jump until they tell her the fire is going to get her. "Ok," she says, "But I`m not going to have you guys run off like you did those other two. I`ll jump - just put the net down, and back away .. "
You might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it`s simply twice as big as it needs to be.
Questions On The Redneck Engineers License Exam...
Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
If your uncle builds a still that operates at a caty of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man`s land?
A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
One day a little boy went up to his mom and asked,
"Mom, is God a boy or a girl?"
The mom said,
"Honey, he is both"
The next day, the boy went up to his dad and asked,
"Dad, is God black or white?"
And the dad replied,
"Son, He is both."
At dinner, the boy asked his parents,
"Mom, Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn`t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Irish girl. Tommy boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn`t see anything, the second day he didn`t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
A father passing by his son`s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I`m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I`ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it`s not only the passion, Dad, she`s pregnant.
Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the Woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of Having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn`t really
hurt anyone. We`ll be growing it for us and trading it with the other
people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we`ll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!!
Don`t worry Dad, I`m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I`m sure we`ll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I`m over at Tommy`s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that`s in my center desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman`s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That`s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad`s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
A week later, it happens again and the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let`s go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can`t, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That`s terrible to overcharge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I`m going
to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don`t start that crap again; you`re in my closet now."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I`ll bring ya` martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I`m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it`s time to go home."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I`m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"WOW!" he exclaimed, "you even sound exactly like her."
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don`t you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
An Amish man, woman and their young son went to the big city for the first time. When they got to the hotel, the woman left to go to the rest room. While she was gone, the old man and boy saw an old woman go to a mirrored elevator, which opened and she got in, then it closed. A short time later the mirrored elevator opened again and an absolutely beautiful, gorgeous blonde woman came out..
The man looked at his son, whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, son, quick go get your mother.
The Lawyer and the Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde`s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn`t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it`s the blonde`s turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cell phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Q: What`s the position to make ugly babies?
A: Ask your parents
Q) What`s the epitome of a mixed feeling?
A) Seeing your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new car.
HOW TO DODGE A SPEEDING TICKET
A man was speeding down a road one day and was stopped by a cop
"Sir can I see your liscence?"
"Yeah but it`s expired"
"Registration?"
"Not my car...stole it...but I think I saw the papers in the glove compartment when I put my gun in there"
"You have a gun sir?"
"Yeah, had to shoot the guy to get the car...he barely fit in the trunk"
"You have a body in the trunk?
The cop called for his captain and back up
The captain approached the car
"Sir can I see your liscence and registration"
"Here you go, It`s all there"
"Sir do you have a gun in your glove box?"
"No sir, feel free to look"
"Can you pop your trunk sir"
"Of course...nothing back there though"
"Sir my officer told me you had an expired liscence, you stole the car, had a gun and put a body in the trunk...is that true?"
"No sir! I bet the lier told you I was speeding too!"
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine. ``House`` for instance, is feminine: ``la
casa.`` ``Pencil,`` however, is masculine: el lápiz.``
A student asked, ``What gender is `computer`?`` Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether ``computer`` should
be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men`s group decided that ``computer`` should definitely be of the
feminine gender (``la computadora``), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women`s group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (`el computador``), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can`t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I`ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool!"
so a lady walks into a baskin robbins to get ice cream and ask for a gallon of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. The man replies that they are out of chocolate and offers other flavors in substitution. The lady says she will reconsider. She then ask for a quart of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. The man replies "Ma`am, we dont have any chocolate." So she thinks for a moment. Then she says "Can I get a pint of vanilla, a pint of chocolate and a pint of strawberry?"
The man became frustrated.
"Ma`am can you spell to the N in vanilla?"
"Sure...V...A...N"
"Can you spell to the W in strawberry?"
"S...T...R...A...W"
"Okay, now spell to the F in chocolate"
"Um, there is no F in chocolate..."
"Ma`am, thats what I`ve been trying to tell you all along..."
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...
Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home`s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he`d ever had.
Long Beach, California: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked.
Sacramento, California: Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn`t start.
Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
Ok, I'm out for a while.
Captain
No Double Posting........... Hahaha
I would have happily made it all one post.... but there is a length limit
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